Not a Defect

Terribly annoyed that scientists label cognitive differences as defects and impairments. Almost nothing has damaged human relations more than the invention of "Normal" -- damn Bernoulli, Quetelet, and big data! -- and the compulsion to label everything (I blame Linnaeus for that part). 

I always knew my brain worked differently from many other people, but it wasn't until about 6 years ago, when I was writing a little fiction, that I figured out one of the main components of the difference. I cannot visualize imagined things in my brain and have no mind's eye. I can imagine, which involves conceptualization, but I cannot generate a picture of that imagine thing in my head. Scientists have discovered that upwards of 150 MILLION people's brains work that way. That is not a defect; rather, it's simply a part of the great diversity that makes up human existence. Until scientists can accept and embrace this diversity, I'll remain sceptical of any of their findings and interpretations.

My collage, 2022

Guilt and shame of an evening

Guilt and shame of an evening

Bananas

N95 masks

Veggies

Bread

Milk

Why do I have to remind myself to buy vegetables? A recurring entry on my weekly grocery list.

This poem is not about the pandemic.

When I noticed the time

7.10 pm

and I realized it was too late to call my mother at the assisted living facility

I felt relief

She calls Grace Haven home now.

I feel grief

that her memories of my childhood

have faded. Selfish.

I used to rely on those stories

to fill in the gaps in my autobiography.

Living with Aphantasia and deficient episodic memory for me is like

starting every day with an almost blank slate of life experience.

I rely on others to remind me of

those moments we've shared.

I have to remind myself of the skills I've learned over 50 years but I can't relive those learning moments.

Will old age feel as bad for me

-- my mother decribes suffering due to her memory loss and aphasia -- 

since I don't have those memories to begin with?

My photo, 2022